Title: Special Delivery
Continuity: G1, sort of
Characters: Thundercracker, Skywarp, Ravage, and Wheeljack
Genre: Humor and parody
Summary: "It all happened because of a stick."
Warning(s): Some paragraphs are in Thundercracker's POV. The ending is weird!
Disclaimer: I do not own the Transformers franchise.
It all happened because of a stick. Yes, I know very well this doesn't seem like the type of situation that could be caused by a fragging stick and it isn't
Unless my idiot trine mate Skywarp was involved, which he was.
Primus, this is so stupid! Skywarp, if we ever get out of this mess I'm going to- *The following has been censored due to graphic detail and adult language*
Ahem, sorry about that. Well, since you're all probably wondering what I'm talking about, I might as well tell you how this mess began
February 11th in the early 1990s was a good day for a young Australian couple. Yes, for on this day their first child was born, a son who would grow up to bear a resemblance to that Mclovin kid from Superbad. It was amazing.
Wait an astro-second! What is this? No one cares about the birth of Ultrabountyhunter! Just forget what you read before because this is the real story
If there was an absolute truth onboard the Nemesis it would not be Starscream's treachery, nor would it be Megatron's beatings; no, it would be that no one likes monitor duty, absolutely no one. Well expect maybe that bore Soundwave, but then again no one could read him with that monotone voice and concealed face. To say the least, Skywarp and Thundercracker were certainly not exceptions to this truth, though both each had their own reasons as to why: Skywarp hated monitor duty simply because it was boring and it forced him to create his own source of entertainment, meanwhile Thundercracker hated the necessary task because Skywarp's idea of entertainment was bothering him.
POKE. POKE. POKE.
Like at this moment.
The blue Seeker sighed and asked, "What is it Skywarp?"
Now Thundercracker was expecting his trinemate's answer to consist of complaints about boredom or suggestions of how they should just leave their shift early, however he wasn't expecting the following question: "TC, do you have a stick?"
Thundercracker stared at Skywarp incredulously. Did... Did the teleporter really just ask that?
"No," he finally answered and went on to ask warily, "What do you need a stick for?"
"To play fetch with Ravage," Skywarp replied as if that wasn't the most ridiculous thing he's ever said.
Wait, no it wasn't. "Heat-seeking missiles seek heat" still trumps all.
"Uh... You do know Ravage is not a dog, right?" Thundercracker asked.
Skywarp gave his trinemate an odd look. "What are you talking about? He is so dog!"
"No, he's not," insisted Thundercracker, "Ravage is a jaguar...panther... He's a cat."
"Whatever, he's still like a pet!" Skywarp concluded.
"He's Soundwave's oldest creation," the elder Seeker reminded Skywarp.
"Just because Soundwave's a boring slagger," said Skywarp with a grin, "doesn't mean Ravage can't play." Then the younger Seeker did what he did best. No, not that trick he does with the bubble wrap. Instead, the black Seeker teleported, leaving his trinemate behind to watch the monitors alone.
"That son of a glitch!" Thundercracker cursed.
Luckily the rest of Thundercracker's shift passed by uneventfully and Skywarp later made it up to him by getting him some high grade. Mind you it was some pretty good high-grade, straight from Starscream's not-so-secret stash, even if Thundercracker couldn't enjoy it all without passing out. Frag his low tolerance!
"Come on TC!" Skywarp called out, "We're gonna be late for patrol!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming," the older Seeker grumbled. "Primus, what's the rush today?"
Skywarp ignored Thundercracker's question and teleported them both to the tower. Several minutes later, both Seekers were in the air. Things were quiet between the two as they flew over the ocean, but that changed as soon as they reached the mainland.
/Hey TC?/ Skywarp asked over the comm link.
/What is it 'Warp?/
/Can we land soon? I wanna take a break./
/Take a- Skywarp, we're not even half-way done with patrol!/
/Come on TC! I'm tired!/ Skywarp whined to his trinemate.
/From what? You've been skipping shifts all week!/ Thundercracker retorted.
Thundercracker cycled his vents in annoyance. Deep down he knew Skywarp was going to keep whining until he gave in, so he might as well get it over with. Besides, the sooner they take a break, the sooner they can get back to patrol.
With that, the Seekers transformed mid-air before landing in a secluded area, at least a few miles away from the closest human town. Skywarp then immediately opened his cockpit and out jumped an obviously displeased Ravage. The Cassetticon turned to Skywarp and snarled at him menacingly.
"Skywarp," started Thundercracker. "Why did you have Ravage in your cockpit?"
"To play fetch!" Skywarp replied gleefully as he unsubspaced a stick and then waved it in front of the Cybertronian canine...feline...quadruped.
Surprisingly enough, Ravage's faceplates lit up when he saw the stick offered to him. His little stub of a tail was even wagging in excitement.
"You want the stick, Ravage?" Skywarp asked, a big grin on his face. Ravage nodded and bounded around the black Seeker's legs. "Then go get it!" Skywarp then threw the stick into the forest close by them. Ravage took off after it like a rocket.
"You have got to be kidding me," the older Seeker muttered, before asking out loud, "Does Soundwave even know you have him?"
"Nope! Grabbed him when he wasn't looking!"
Thundercracker facepalmed and shook his helm. "You- I just... Nevermind. Do what you want, but when Soundwave finds out that you took Ravage, I'm not going to save your aft."
"Uh-huh, sure TC," Skywarp said, not believing his friend for an astro-second.
Meanwhile Ravage running through the woods, searching for the elusive stick when he heard the sounds of heavy footfalls that only a mech could make. Forgetting about the stick, he changed course and stalked toward the approaching mech. He was almost positive it was an Autobot.
The Cassetticon was right, of course, there was an Autobot in the area. To be specific, it was the Autobots' resident inventor, Wheeljack. Wheeljack wouldn't normally travel without a friend or two, but today was a special case: the inventor was going to dismantle one of his failed creations. He would've done this in his own lab, but when his dismantling of an invention last month caused a miniature blackhole to form, the Autobot High Command all agreed that it'd be for the best that Wheeljack handle this delicate work outside of the Ark.
However Ravage knew nothing of the volatile weapon of mass destruction in Wheeljack's servos and continued stalking the Autobot.
"Ravage is the slowest dog ever!" Skywarp complained after a couple of breems.
"Skywarp, for the last time he's not a dog!" Thundercracker yelled irritably.
"He's still slow," pouted the immature Seeker.
Thundercracker did silently agree with that, Ravage was taking a long time to get back. "I think we should go look for him. Before anyone notices we've been gone for too long." Skywarp nodded in agreement and the two trinemates set off to the woods to search for their missing Cassetticon.
The Autobot with flashing helm fins was within Ravage's sight but with his back turned toward him. Ravage could tell he was holding something, but what was it? No matter, he will get close enough to see in a klick or two. He was about to take a step forward when his audio receptors picked up two familiar voices calling his name.
"Come back puppy!"
"Argh! He's not a dog!"
"Fine, then! Come back kitty!"
Unfortunately Wheeljack heard the squabbling Seekers and prepared himself for an attack. The moment Skywarp and Thundercracker emerged into his sight and both raised their weapons the instant they saw Wheeljack.
"Where's our cat, Autoscum?" Skywarp demanded.
"Your cat?" Wheeljack asked, confused. "I didn't see any cat."
"Oh don't act like you don't know!"
"I'm telling you, I didn't see a cat today!"
Annoyed, Thundercracker clarified, "He's talking about Ravage!"
"Didn't see him," Wheeljack said.
"Yeah, right!" Skywarp scoffed.
That was when Ravage decided to show himself, before the teleporter could do anything stupid. It didn't work. Ravage jumped in front of the Seekers, startling Skywarp enough to fire at Wheeljack. Luckily for the Autobot Skywarp didn't hit him, but his blast did hit the invention. The device started to smoke and sparks were flying out of it. Wheeljack dropped the invention and yelled, "Take cover!"
"Oh slag! It's gonna blow!" Skywarp cried out.
"Teleport!" Thundercracker shouted.
It was too late and the device exploded, releasing a powerful shock wave and a bright flash of light before darkness overwhelmed them all.
When Thundercracker came back online, his chronometer informed him that a day has gone by since the explosion. Primus, Soundwave was going to kill them for sure! He noticed that he was lying facedown on large, oddly-shaped white objects. He pushed himself onto his knees and looked around his surroundings and noticed that there brown walls all around him. His fellow Decepticons and the Autobot were still offline. Where were they?
"Do you think he'll like them?" a feminine voice from above asked.
"Of course he will!" assured a second voice that sounded very similar to the first.
Thundercracker looked up and gaped at what he saw. There were two giant human femmes, twins from their identical appearances, talking above him.
"I still think we should've gotten him Terrorsaur," the first femme muttered bitterly.
"Hammy, there wasn't any time for me to get him," the second femme replied. "Besides, this package is already late!"
'Hammy' sighed. "I guess..."
The second femme hugged 'Hammy' and squealed, "Ultrabountyhunter is going to love 'em, just you wait!" She broke the hug a few moments later and held up a roll of tape. "We might as well get started. This box isn't going to ship itself to Australia!"
Thundercracker's optics widened. "Australia? No way!" He tried to activate his thrusters, but they wouldn't ignite for some reason. "Come on, work," he muttered to himself. He looked up again when a shadow fell over him. The femmes had closed the box and he could hear them taping it shut. "NO! Let us out!" Thundercracker shouted as he hit the wall.
The femmes never acknowledged him.
And that's why I'm trapped in a cardboard box with my idiot trinemate, a Cassetticon, and an Autobot on a fragging plane to Australia!
Um, TC? Who are you talking to? You're starting to freak us out.